Editor’s Note: Dear Onion, you’re welcome.
CNN TO FURLOUGH HUNDREDS OF ‘UNNECESSARY REPORTERS’ UNTIL MH370 IS FOUND
(CNN) The president of CNN Worldwide, Jeff Zucker, Thursday announced that the global news network will be issuing furloughs to more than 350 employees worldwide until MH370 has been found in order to save the media company thousands in salaries for doing nothing else while a handful of crack reporters, including Erin Burnett, Wolf Blizter, Pamela Brown, and Don Lemon carry out their endless filibuster of BREAKING NEWS coverage about the Malaysian missing plane.
“We’ve decided that we’re wasting money with all these other folks around and in order to save on the CNN budget, the best thing to do is to just send people home until the plane is found,” Zucker said. “We’re not going to cover another damned thing until we know exactly what happened on Flight MH370.”
Zucker said that the meant cable network was forgoing its exhaustive campaign to promote same-sex marriage in America, Putin’s land grab in Crimea and even President Obama’s trip to Europe and Saudi Arabia.
“I don’t’ care what’s going on in Michigan, the Crimea or what Obama’s doing unless the pilots turn out to be in favor of gay marriage, if the Malaysian plane landed in Crimea or the president is releasing the NSA audio of the phone call the pilot made right before takeoff,” Zucker said. “If it doesn’t involve MH370, it’s not news and it’s not going to be on CNN, so anyone not covering this story, well, we just need them to go home until we need them to come back.”
Zucker said his crack team of Blitzer, Burnett and Lemon have been driving up ratings the past 20 days since the plane went missing.
“Every other potential breaking news story is going into a Black Hole,” Zucker said. “We have spent more covering stories we didn’t report on air than the US government has reported spending in the air covering the search.”
Zucker said he is proud of the endless coverage his network has provided in the month of March.
“It’s been madness. I never knew we had such dedicated reporters who can sit there on set and say the same thing over and over and over and over and over with such limited information and make it sound fresh and new day after day after day after day after day,” Zucker said. “Hell, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say the plane had just crashed yesterday the way Wolf gets on there and talks about pingers and batteries and satellite imagery. This is what journalism is all about—giving the public a fresh insight on the very thing we have reported every day for the past 20 days at the same hour of every day since.”
Zucker said once the plane is found, he will consider bringing many of their staff back to work, but only until the plane is found. Otherwise, he said, there’s no need for them to come to work.
(In case you are actually that dense, this is all fiction and tongue in cheek satire of how ridiculous the coverage on CNN has become.)