Having spent multiple years of my life playing in real snow in Northern Michigan where my brothers and I would tunnel through the snow banks and make some of the coolest snow forts ever, when I hear that we’re likely to get even just a wee bit of snow in the South, I get excited.  It so reminds me of my kid-hood and my longing for the innocence of those much simpler times. 

Snowpocalypse 2011 in the South

In the North, 1/2 to 1 inch of snow is little made mention of.  Big whoop.

In the South?  OMG.

For one, people race to the grocery stores and go buy enough toilet paper they could roll half the houses in DFW with it.  They also stock up on milk.

The Sport of Watching TV Snow Coverage In the South

It’s also the time that TV meteorologists get to take their coats off on air and roll up their sleeves.

Cub reporters get sent out with their warm coats, hats, mittens and gloves to do remote live feeds.  They usually stop first at a truck stop to get some unawares red neck on tape saying, while shaking his head and then spitting before saying, “I ain’t never seen nothing like it.”

Then there’s that proverbial shot of CAR CAM News Channel 7 HD (Everything now has an HD behind it!) rolling down the highway with flakes falling and the wipers wiping.

The Remote Cub Reporter

For each snow “storm” I think every cub reporter in town goes out and buys a brand new ruler to take out into the Snowpocalypse with them.  You’ll see this for when they set up on a bridge with the highway behind it.  It’ll either have cars racing past like nothing’s happening, or creeping along.  If it’s not snowing yet in their location, the toss from the station will be something like this, “And for more of our Arctic Snowpocalypse Blast, we now turn to News Channel 7 HD’s cubette, (I couldn’t decide whether that should be Cube, as in ice, or Cubbette, because it’s most often the youngest female reporter at the station trying to pay her dues.) reporter Susan X, how’s it going out there, Susan?”

This is when the humor really takes off, (though Susan is dead serious) because Susan will have multiple directions in which she can venture.

1) “Oh! It’s cold out here!” (The first No-sh**-Sherlock moment of their continuous coverage. It’s supposed to almost be snowing!) We’re out here and as you can see behind me, traffic is A) still racing at a fast clip (because it’s not yet snowing)/ or B) there are cars out here braving the elements and just creeping by.” She’ll then roll the video that she shot back at the truck stop (“I ain’t never seen nothing like it!” spit) then go to the video of them driving down the road with their exclusive News Channel 7 Car Cam in HD,  and then come back to Susan, shivering out in the cold.

2) If it is snowing, she’ll have that ruler with her.  “Oh! It’s cold out here!  It’s been snowing where we are for like, two million days and as we here at Channel 7 HD like to bring you the latest on Arctic Snowpocalypse Blast 2011, I want to show you something! (Out comes that ruler….)  I’m just going to step over here, Kevin, can you pan over here to me,” and Susan will then show us how much snow is on the railing of the highway, the concrete top of an overpass, or the hood of the News Channel 7 HD remote truck.

3) If it’s icing, well, then Susan has strategically set herself up along the Interstate somewhere, (Actually it will have been Kevin who did it because he’s done this so many times he can’t recall) and Susan will be standing next to that guard rail or the metal bars that protrude out of the overpass cement, and take her gloves off and run her hands over the ice. “Oh, it’s really cold out here!”

Now if it’s one particular station in town, Kevin some how will have had the incredible luck to set them up in just such a space where a car coming up over the hill apparently sees them as they peak over the hill and begin to slam on their brakes like one does if a police car is half a mile in front of them.  Because of the ice/now, the unsuspecting driver will now begin to slide, (Doesn’t know to turn into the spin madly applies the breaks because he/she “Ain’t never seen nothing like it!” let alone driven in it. Spit!) and come to a stop somewhere in the vicinity of the News Channel 7 HD remote truck.

For the next 24 hours, this will be the video that runs in a nauseating loop in all News Channel 7 HD’s Arctic Snowpocalypse Blast bumpers, news updates, and then the post-Arctic Snowpocalypse Blast promos that say, “News Channel 7 HD brought you the most accurate breaking news when X’s weather was at it’s worst.”

When Susan finishes, she will then toss it over to Steve who is on the other side of the viewing area.  But not before saying, “If you don’t have to be out in this, just stay home! This is Susan X reporting from News Channel 7 HD, how’s it going over there Steve?”

Before repeating the series line up again, Steve will first say:

“That’s right Susan, if you don’t have to get out in this, just stay at home.  Even though  it’s not yet snowing/icing/snowpocalypsing yet here, but it looks like it might.”

Whew.  With it being Friday evening and the snow supposed to be here on Sunday, I’m almost ready for Monday night when the Auburn Tigers are going to beat the snot out of the Oregon Ducks.   Lord knows I hope the ABC station still isn’t into Arctic Blast Snowpocalypse mode. 

I’m already ready for it to melt.


For those of you in the South who want to see what a REAL snow storm looks like, here, from 1976-7 at KI Sawyer AFB in Northern Michigan.   Now that was snow.

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